The Relationship Appendix !?! Have You Really Healed Or Build More Walls After The Last Relationship?

In my quest to satisfy my hunger for knowledge on human behaviour and tendencies, my thinking can fluctuate between either, the easiest of subjects, “showering before a date is proper,” to the most complicated of subjects, “what dress am I going to wear on this date!”
I’m only kidding about that last one, but at some point in life whether young or old, we have experienced a situation which left us asking some of the deeper questions about human behaviour, and each one of us has a different story to tell.

So why do relationships end?

And what happened to “in sickness and in health?” What are our true needs? Do they change with time or do we become more aware of what we don’t need? What happens when hurt enters the mix? I have seen people react differently to these situations. Some take extremes to manage the overwhelming stream of thoughts and emotions (“Eat, Pray, Love” people say, though a simple vengeance spree of clearly plotted steps to ruin an ex, can work too) while others are indifferent to the grief and never seem to lose composure, well at least from an outward appearance.

As I woke up this morning to settle down with my trusty laptop, thoughts and a cup of coffee (yes that’s usually what happens when you are 26, living abroad, studying and SINGLE). I got thinking about this very dear friend of mine Sam, who after her last disastrous breakup has been single for more than two years now. Being my close friend, she disclosed that she has developed a fear of “feelings”.

The thing is, I see her enjoy time with male counterparts but it never continues for more than a certain time frame, even though the guy is great! Though, after what happened to her I can’t blame her honestly. She is clearly doing what you call “building walls” to shield herself from leaving her vulnerable side open to being targeted anymore. What confuses me is, that she is always whining about wanting to find something more meaningful, yet stops before anything can take shape?!?

Is she learning from her past mistakes or confusing a “want” from what she actually “needs” time to heal? What do I say to that? Well, Sam recently ended a really decent date. The guy (Max) is hot, handsome, astonishingly tall, very charming, courteous and chivalrous. I mentioned he was hot right, so why did it end?

From the outside, she looked very much taken to him and a tiny bit infatuated. One day early in their beginnings, they happened to go for a fun, casual hangout to Krispy Crème’s. A random person – a guy – approached them and asked a simple question, “Are you dating her?” to which Max replied, “Ya, kinda…” Now each one of us would take that differently, I would have taken it as a positive sign, (maybe it’s because I have been single for far too long, so I take anything as a good sign. LOL!) but right on cue, she soon enough ended the relationship, stating this story to me later on and those famous words I’ve heard time and time again, “It’s too soon!”

As I said before, she says she wants something meaningful, however, dismissed him because he had different goals. Well, that’s what she assumed, though, I have a sneaky suspicion that he may not have had actually said that to her. Her fear of “feelings” played a part in it, is what I could come up with. Shunning possible rejection, hurt, betrayal and “hanging on to hopes”, to avoid the potential confrontation of these things creeping up on her. But in my mind, these are all an element of “feelings,” that we have to contend with in all realms of life, so embrace them.

So how important is it to heal, let go and feel again?

Let’s talk about me. I came in the category of plotting my next move to ruin my ex’s life. Grudge, emotional un-satisfaction, hurt and betrayal, spoke out loud and clear. My rose-tinted glasses had turned dark and murky and every living breath was about teaching a lesson. I was fuming inside and nurturing “hate”.

Although soon I realized it was easier to let go and feel lighter than feel the anger. Life soon felt easier. Birds chirped, Sun shone brightly, Stars twinkled and Smart charming men started coming under my telescope once again. Cheers!! Yet I won’t deny the fact that I tend to bring my microscope along, sizing up every guy who approaches me for fear of walking through the valley of the dead again.

One terrible experience is enough. Yet strangely enough, I am ready to take a chance? Is that a placebo effect? A friend of mine suggested it. I did follow the “Eat, pray, love” therapy yet he said I am trying to fill a void?

The “want” in the beginning of a relationship can turn into a “need” eventually. A soul consuming need which once stolen from you can have hard repercussions on your behaviour towards future relationships. Some come out of hell and fire and still manage to look for better connections in future, while some just develop walls and are fixated on not making mistakes, few stop having faith that love actually exists and go on a ‘netflix and chill’ spree while others choose to remain passive and leave it on destiny.

Also Read | 9 Things You Should Do When Your Best Friend Is Going Through A Breakup!

So what is the right way to cope? How do you know you are ready? Do let us know in the comment section below!