“They say all men are the same”, right? Wrong! If we can have a fit when we hear men say “All women are the same”, how is it not same for men? Not fair!
For me to say this I had to actually go through many dates, including weird ones!!!
Had to filter them out, and question them while pretending to be interested in the date. I came across few of them I have written about with personal experience and the rest were the different men in my social circle I had to interview.
So let us not stereotype men. To get to your quintessential man, you need to understand the particular personality kind he is and how to steer your way around heartbreaks. Finally, how to identify the right guy, keep them in your lives and keep away from the heartbreakers?
Here’s How To Tackle Men In Dating And Relationship:
1. The Emotionally stunted
Now this guy usually has had some bad experience or a broken history growing up, generally speaking. There is a reason he shields all emotional connection. He is what you call the casual affair kind of guy. He is perfectly normal having the no strings attached relationships. He is like an onion, the more you try to peel him off his layers the more you will cry, because it is horribly difficult to make him shed his layers. Buried deep within those layers is his weak, sensitive or vulnerable side. The moment with which if he gets in touch makes him fear the breakdown.
They usually have attachment/detachment issues, they have been really hurt somewhere in the past, some of them don’t even realise what triggered it, accept they will never admit that they are vulnerable and show they are strong by not indulging for too long into emotional side of things. You will notice that overtime if you try to connect with them on a deeper level they will either change the topic or behave they do not understand what you are trying to convey. They have huge trust issues with untapped emotional baggages.
What to do
Now, the wisest thing to do, if you see clear signs of such behaviour from the early phases of “dating” is to either make peace with his behaviour that he will never change and walk away to save yourself from over investment of time, emotion and effort or if you have been long enough with them to not just desert them, then be patient. Try to slowly position yourself in their circle of trust, it is not easily achieved but if you have the grit to risk and stand around waiting, then go ahead build the right kind of foundation, because once they give in, they will not back away for sure. Be sure to acknowledge the consequences from the start, it is not your place to save them rather guide them to the path that says you are trustworthy and they need not be scared of you.
2. The very busy and career oriented guy
Who doesn’t like guys who are fully focused in what they set their hearts on to achieve? We like men who are driven about their goals and passions, and these kinds attract us to be a part of their lives. Well we all love our small fairy tales don’t we. Why do we want to be a part of their lives so much? Well the mere fact that attracts us to such men could be pointed towards the reason that, they evoke a sense of stability and goal driven attitude, and since such men are super busy they hardly have time between pursuing success and wanting to meet you, so if they start taking out time for us, we feel a sense of validation that tells us “Gee, this guy must really like me, he is taking out so much time from his busy schedule to be with me!”, true and not true!
True he must really like you because he is making time for you by rescheduling his events and not true because c’mon ladies do you really want to live on bread crumbs? Don’t you deserve more than what he is giving and of course you are totally worth more than an hour from a busy day. Learn to derive that sense of goal driven passion from them but for an emotional satisfaction here’s what to do.
What to do
So, once we have identified our career oriented man, what do we do to make him stay in our lives? It is indeed not his fault that he is career driven and keeps himself busy because he’s trying his hardest to work towards his success, so point to be noted, never come between his career and time, do not make him choose between you and his career. He will choose his career, honestly won’t you do the same? If you think you can’t handle such men, best is to again walk away but if he is worth the effort then read on!
These men know what they want but are never aware of what they need! Now, this is where you work your magic, you have to come like a fresh breath of air. On one hand he might be stressed with his workload because he is a workaholic and on the other you could prove to be that one person who’s a sight for his sore eyes, body and soul. Understanding his time schedule and being patient is the key while equally drawing lines between no time for you and making hundred excuses.
Remember your efforts should always be equal to his investment in you as well. Also, stop being that nagging “bae” who keeps complaining about the lack of time rather show him slowly how time with you is the most comfortable, refreshing and entertaining. You will become his stress relieving happy drug in no time. Share his work stress, which necessarily does not mean you sitting down and pulling your hair, instead deviate from all that stress, it could involve cooking together some comfort food, going down to the beach, going for a short drive to have ice-creams while the silly you tries to make him laugh, play sexy cross word puzzle *wink wink*, do anything that involves a lot of laughing, smiling, joking etc., for the both of you. Laughing helps relieve a lot of stress. Let him realise you are the reason he smiles even through a rainy day *smiles* and he will slowly realise what he would have missed if it weren’t for you.
3. The Shy Guy
Shy guys are cute aren’t they? *sigh* Especially when they do the shy half smiles and look down! *eeeee* (PAUSE. Writer having a teen girl moment here). Alright I am back. It’s not quite difficult to spot the “shy one”, he is the exact opposite of a loud boisterous guy! Shy guy’s are not quite the assertive ones in a social gathering but are rather the ones trying to gel with the crowd, or nodding politely while roasting people in his head (haha EVIL), never overstepping someone’s opinion or enforcing their’s upon others, in other words shyness generally correlates with modesty. If you don’t ask him you just might miss on important details about him. There is an underrated bliss in the quiet moments you might share with him. These guys can definitely give you the best examples of “comfortable silence”, the kinds were you can just sit next to each other at a sunset point and drift away to some other world without having to talk constantly.
He is the overly conscious kinds who would end up dropping a spoon on your first date and still look at you with a shy smile (and dying with embarrassment inside *loooolll*) and possibly end up stuttering a little after that incident (cute!). He is also the one who will pay good attention to details and is an even greater listener, he might surprise you by throwing a philosophical curve ball at you when you least expect it, that’s because he has been processing everything you have been feeding him with great interest (NEVER fabricate stories in-front of him!!). The problem with these men are they will not confess their feelings unless there is an external force that pushes them to ask you out for a date. This can take ages to take shape, that it can get a little irritating where you want to ask him “ARE YOU EVER GOING TO ASK ME OUT, SERIOUSLY?!? (In caps). He will never confess unless he is comfortable, so what do we do you ask??
What to do
Here’s what to do. You have to be his external force! You have to give him enough hints that let’s him know you like him too! and all he has to do is ask you out otherwise he is going to miss out on you. You can’t keep waiting for 5 years until he makes a move!! make him feel confident about this thing you two have, that this strange spark between the two of you exists. Unlike other men you cannot play the mind games with this one, the reason being he will go into a shell and believe that you actually don’t like him, it’s one tracked and it has been in his head all this while, etc. Practice on your patience for this guy will take a little while, but it’s totally worth it (true story). Remember he is taking extra time probably because he wants to make sure it’s the right moment and the right way to do it, and usually they lack a little bit of confidence as compared to other fast men but don’t confuse it with them being weak, absolutely not! They are the passive aggressive kinds albeit with high tolerance and patience level. You see why I said it’s totally worth waiting for these guys? Imagine never being interjected and being listened to so intently. Did I mention “THEY LISTEN”??
4. The Over confident douchebags
So this one goes to the guy I had coffee with one day not so long ago *cracking knuckles*. They don’t have a place for anyone else’s opinion other than their’s, and they won’t think twice before trying to enforce their opinions on you. The problem with over confident guys is that they are not self aware, more like self obsessed and this stems from a deep seated inferiority complex. They are so afraid of being vulnerable and being portrayed as weak that they will squash any known signs of weakness about themselves visible to our naked eyes by coming across too strong with their opinions. They will judge anyone who portrays sensitivity or vulnerability as not being man enough, that is because they judged themselves in the past or secretly judge themselves now when alone or when they have their own emotional breakdowns. They will judge anything that does not coincide with their dictionaries, even women with strong opinions, and that is only because they are afraid of being proven wrong, afraid of challenging women who will squash their confidence levels and make their insides squirm, raw, and open to attacks. They will never accept a difference in opinion, and will argue till you give up. Their emotional maturity is that of a 9 year old boy. Tantrum throwers, arrogant and big time naggers. How do I say that?
Well the coffee date I had for the sake of interview for this blog. The endless discussion we had and each time he refused to see my point of view, blatantly stating it as wrong while I agreed his point was his own opinion. Even so much as audaciously calling my articles worthless (I only laughed seeing his blissful ignorance *smirk* How cute!) because who needs tips on dating? Apparently he never needed any because he be so “smoooooth” ( VERY SMOOTH).
So do we keep them or pass them? How do we tackle them if you made a huge error in accepting their invitation for a coffee date and only realised, after he utters his first words like a verbal diarrhoea?!
What to do
First, run a mile away from such men, they will only break your confidence level and will irritate you to the point of banging your head against a wall. Remember it is easy to move on but it is never easy to bring your confidence back! this could be highly toxic. Ditch and RUN!
So what to do when you end up on a date with such men? How to make a run for it? of course you can’t run away in the first 15 seconds you meet the guy, you need a good 30 minutes before safely exiting and not looking rude. Never take his words personally, does not mean you take it lightly but always remember to not react to it aggressively because he will become more hostile in his opinions and you would only end up spoiling your mood. Here’s what I did. I listened to his end of the discussion and gave my points, once it was clear it would carry on endlessly (I am highly stubborn too being a Taurean LOL), I stopped taking his points seriously, In fact smiled stupidly to myself clearly understanding what kind of a guy I was on a date with, I kept switching topics smartly so he would stop stretching something I found baseless. Do not be afraid to give your opinions but also realise to not take his points personally because he is afraid of strong minded women and will most likely start targeting you personally or make you sound dumb in front of him. Just be polite when the 30 minute mile stone comes, take your exit saying it was highly entertaining but you have some work.
Let’s say you do end up liking a man exhibiting such qualities and you want to keep him or rather work on and maybe he just might be a little ‘tame-able’. Never try to break through his confidence level he will only end up bringing up more walls and will instead try to target you like a hostile competition he must get rid of or break down according to his likings. If you could slowly make him self aware of his behaviours using the punishing and rewarding tactic being his girlfriend. This will take a LONG time but worth a shot if you want to keep him. You need to walk on egg shells around his ego and arrogance in order to bring it down to an average human being’s “ego”, let him trust you with his vulnerability so he knows it is okay not to be a perfectionist because no one is judging him except himself.
5. The Player
Not very hard to decipher this one, They have a string of women in their list they wish to play with. They never sit around waiting for one women. If one refuses they move on to the next. Conquering the next big target is their thing, like a challenging venture. Don’t be deceived by their smooth talks. They have been with enough women in their life time to know exactly what to say, how to say and to whom to say it to. They have enough practical research so to say to understand the dynamics of a woman’s mind and they know it very well that every woman needs to be approached in a different unique way, each time making sure there is little room for any error. They will pursue you until they know they have got you under their charm and wooed you then they are quick to embark on another adventurous challenging journey with the next one.
Their aim is less to do with sex and more to do with achieving goals. This is a little to do with self obsession and more to do with insecurity. Achieving the attention of women and charming them gives them the sense of self boast, they need an external force to subdue the internal perilous self doubt, a way of telling themselves they must be extremely good because every woman they aim for are falling under their charm. So how to spot one and what to do to conserve your heart from mini to major heartbreaks?
What to do
No point falling for them ladies. It’s only going to last till you seem to amuse them, after a while their attraction towards you might just loose it’s fizz. This is usually because when they look at you they do not just look at you, they are staring at an attractive challenge right in the eye. The key here is to notice their behaviours more than their sharp looks and charming words spoken to you! They say looks can be deceiving right? Well you got your answer there. Too smooth and you should start questioning their intentions. Too fast in the first few dates? Ask them to hold their horses and you will see them even smoother than before, trying new ways to steer you away from staring at the truth right under you nose. Remember you are only but a challenge to them. If you are aware of such men currently in your life and still willing to take a little hike to the “risqué world”, remember to just enjoy yourselves till it lasts and enjoy the attention without investing any emotion, only to stop yourself from a string of disappointments. Precaution is better than cure right? So remember to carry your umbrellas and wear a raincoat if he starts taking rain checks on you and your plans.
6. The Nice Guy
The sweetest most thoughtful guys, Whats more to say about them? These men aren’t that hard to find ladies, Yes they aren’t! Those guys you friend zoned and have them put in the spam list, try to have quick scan again and you will totally understand what I mean. Nice guys are not your fantasy sexy prince charming straight out of the spicy romance books, you can find these hot men in the ones you friend zoned because you were too busy running after the bad boys trying to tame them. Truth be told it is quite exciting to pursue the bad ones, they offer us the thrill and adventure of chasing and being chased yet that’s always short-lived and seldom does it result in a long term commitment. The nice guys, How do we spot them?
What to do
This guy you have completely taken for granted and overlooked, look at them again but through a different pair of glasses. He is the only one always caring about the finer details in your life, while you were jabbering away he was the one who listened with a smile and supported you, the one who knows your favourite flower, your favourite colour, how you hate when your veggies are overdone while eating out, how you pick out peas from your food and keep it on the corner of your plate, how you absolutely abhor red wines in anything but room temperature, how you make a twisted face or bite the end of a pencil while you are thinking deep. In everything you do and look, you are a beauty in their eyes.
Do you realise how beautiful life can be with them in it? The sense of appreciation, emotional stability and love, you are looking for is right there under your nose! Just open your eyes and smell those roses woman. Cannot actually blame you guys alone though, I have been doing the same (LOL! Hey I am accepting my faults too) So how about we girls break the stereotype nature of ours and say yes to the nice guys and give them a chance? Like really give it a chance with few dates and not because we feel guilty and think it’s good for our emotional stability (that’s outright selfish ladies), but actually give them a chance because who knows they might just turn our hearts around? Just be your genuine self and let things go with the flow and who knows you might just become vanilla yourself (‘cause a little vanilla is good *chuckle*).
7. The Reserved Guys
The calm, focused and mature guy, who has his priorities sorted in his life, who does not need to boast about himself, and is usually the calm, patient one, looking like a wolf in waiting, a true opportunist. He does not believe in investing too much on flaky relationships and is reserved about them until the time is right. Because to him he has to make it big in life, live it king size, achieve success, he has his priorities sorted very well in life ladies. It is not that he is a stone hearted guy who cannot fall in love , it is just that he will choose to achieve his goals first before getting distracted or settled in life with a relationships. He is not one to murk around with women much wasting his time, while he could be strategising his next step towards success. He has a lot to offer like any other typical guy once he gets in a relationship like love, laughter, emotional stability etc, don’t get me wrong ladies, but he is one reserved guy!
He is either reserved because of his life goals or because he simply has not found the right woman that suits his tastes and standards. No they are not chauvinistic men, they are chivalrous as any “pride and prejudice” book could offer you. Like you have your taste, preferences and principles when it comes to how you like your men, they have pretty high standards about women themselves. So how do we catch the big fish?
What to do
There’s not much you can do ladies, sorry! If he hasn’t made a moved yet, the chances are he is just not that into you, or his goals are demanding more attention. Which in any case means he will not break his focus. Not to break your hopes or bubbles my lovely ladies, but you would have to sit this one out, unless it’s destiny or fate then there is no way getting this guy’s head turn away from what he has made up his mind to do . He is that reserved about his time and investment. The only thing you could do is take a U-turn and not wait. He might be reserved but he will not shy away from asking you out and steering things towards keeping you in his life as his woman, that is if he is pretty much taken by you. He knows exactly what he wants! So if “he ain’t making the move ladies he ain’t ever gonna”.
Although there is one tiny thing you could say would make his head turn. Do not run after him being all needy, that is a big no, such men look for strong woman who are sorted in life and have set their priorities just like them, who know where to and how much to investment on fugal things, who know very well how to distinguish between what is worth their time and what can be discarded as being unnecessary drama. Do your thing, be yourself, do not try to change yourself for them, be independent and super focused on your endeavours without changing your pre-planned schedules just for silly men and you will have his ‘head turn” and an “eye brow raise” with an “hmm interesting woman” mumbling under his breath, for he has an eye for high value woman who will not lower her standards for anyone and can support herself without the help of a knight in shinning armour and why is that? Well first because reserved men search for similar strong personality women like themselves, that makes it all the more smoother for him to achieve his goals without getting distracted. He knows his woman does not need his constant attention and is self sufficient in her own way, she is not one to have a silly girly attention seeking characteristics, she is one who is driven and is her own force of nature and he likes to see that as an inspiration for himself.
Secondly, he knows this is one relationship that will support the both of them emotionally because you both know how it feels to be passionate about something and to achieve it, and how you both could look for a strong motivational support in each other.
Also Read | 6 Things A Man Loves About A Woman
So far these men have struck out as the general and unique ones in my list of men when I had a small journey through dating experiences for personal as much as blogging research endeavours.
These are my own personal experiences my fellow lovely ladies and the opinions I generated while being in a particular situation with different men while dating or creating the dating atmosphere to observe them in their natural habitat (LOL).
You could be having your own little adventure with either one of the above stated or a mix of them in one guy. Observe and decide that suits your situation best ladies.
Let us know your views in the comment section below!