Ma and Papa,
This is your child penning down words he cannot ever tell you in person. I have always loved you. Probably, even before I stepped foot into this world, my love for you was born. As far as I know, I share everything with you. Remember the incident when you scolded me, Ma, for eating my friend’s lunch and not the one you cooked just because you put onion in the curry? I remember you chiding me pretty hard.
But, there is one secret I haven’t told you. Maybe, it’s fear; maybe, it’s the fact that I’m still a child that I’m unable to open up to you. Till a few weeks ago, I was in doubt too. Were my intuitions right? Am I really who I think I am? Why don’t I see girls the way my friends see them? Why aren’t their skirts appealing to me, or even their still-forming body? We are all going through a phase of puberty, that much I know through my curriculum books. My voice is changing too – you’ve told me many times. In a few years, I’ll be able to grow a beard! I’ll be a man!
And, that’s what I’m afraid of.
When my friend, a boy, puts a shoulder around me or wrestles with me, I feel tiny vibrations ringing my body. I often asked myself, is it right to feel so? In a generation where technology rules and helps, I held out my hand for help. I googled what I felt. It directed me towards a quiz. I answered the questions diligently like I answer my tests and the result was –
You lean towards “Liking men”. You’re 95% GAY.
I didn’t know whether to cry tears of frustration for being 95% gay or to cry tears of happiness for being 5% straight. Yes, I’m thirteen and I question myself yet again, “Am I supposed to know who I like at this age?” I googled that too. A website I visited told me that yes, a person can know their sexual orientation at a ripe age of 10! I even learned that girls can like girls too just like me, who MAY like boys.
Our society doesn’t accept men who like men and I don’t even think that I’ll meet my destined man in the future if I turn out to be really gay. Every night, I pray to God, Papa, like you taught me. I thank him first for the life he’s given to me. Then, I beg him to make me “NOT GAY“. Later, I feel that I cannot like girls no matter what. So, then I again pray to him,
“Let Ma and Papa accept me if I ever become gay.”
It’s hard sitting with my friends in class, you know? What will happen to me if they find out? Will they outcast me? Oh, yes, they will! I don’t want to be attracted to one of my friends too. Will being gay force me to fall for some boy I know and treasure as my best mate? There are too many questions buzzing like bees in my head. Yet, no answers, just like a dry canal in Summer.
I’ve read real-time stories where parents shunned their own children for not being straight. If that’s what will happen to me, in the future, it might be for my best that I stay calm. But there’s still hope, no matter how minuscule it is, that Ma and Papa will accept me. My prayers will be answered.
I might not face a hard time with my orientation so I’ll be safe, for now. The world is never too small to make one uncomfortable in one’s own skin, right? I’ll get exposure. I’ll go to college, then a University and find a job. I might settle down in a foreign country, given I study well. There’s no guarantee that my secret of today will remain a secret forever. Judging my character, I’ll confess, one day.
I’m not ready for your disappointment, yet. I’m not mentally prepared for your reactions or your questions. When I am ready, physically and spiritually, I’ll come out to you. I can imagine your shocked and disappointed faces but what’ll come next – rejection or acceptance, that, I do not know, and I cannot predict.
I don’t want you to blame yourself or your upbringing when I finally confess. I don’t want you to ask me,
“What will this society think? What will our relatives say?”
This is a part of me I’d love to expose only to you, not to a third party. The stones you throw at me will hurt harder than the ones society throws. It is my humble prayer to you, accept me for who I will be in my future.
Whoever I turn out to be, I’ll still be your boy. Papa, I’ll still be the boy who drove bicycle as you ran, pushing me forth. Ma, I’ll still be the boy who used your sari to wipe my tears when Papa scolded me. I’ll still be the boy who you so lovingly nourished and cherished. So, from this day, I plead and pray for your love and acceptance. Let me have the honour of staying inside your safe and loving embrace forever and ever.
Also Read | 5 Ways To Be Friends With Your Parents
The MagZone wishes you all a very Happy Children’s Day!
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